Child Protection

Somebody very innocently asked me the other day how work was for me. And I glibly responded "Just a normal day...some child sexual abuse, a dead baby, parent / teen conflicts, drug addicted parents, and a little domestic violence". The person asking was shocked - his response "Oh my god, how do you stand it?"

How do I? Stand it, I mean. I'm not sure. It's a day in the life of a child protection worker, and we just stand what we have to stand. I easily forget that what is completely shocking and appalling to some people is everyday life for me. Every day that I go to work, I hear some of the worst stories that are possible to hear. They're sad and painful and gross and simply horrible. And I've normalized them.

It's time to leave, soon. Time to leave this job. When I first started working in child protection (it's been about 12 years at the time of writing), I prided myself in my ability to hold strong boundaries. When I left work at the end of the day, for the most part, I left work. That is, I was able to put the stories behind me and go home to my own family, my own life, my own story.

Over the past couple of years, though, I'm having a harder time walking away from the stories in other people's lives. I experience greater emotion when I hear the stories. My eyes fill with tears at someone's sad story; I worry more about the kids that are wandering the streets; I fear more for my own safety. I wonder if I'm becoming burned out. A good friend suggested that most people, when they become burned out, stop having empathy...they stop caring. I'm having the opposite experience - I'm feeling more and more.

My spiritual path, over the past few years has been about opening my heart wider and wider. My meditations involve opening my heart; my interactions in my private life are about opening my heart. My prayers are about having an open heart. And to be a good child protection worker, I think it's important to be able to put a wall around my heart.

It seems that my daily practice has created a barrier to the healthy completion of my job.