My cousin died yesterday. It was sad, as the death of most young people is. He had cancer; was only diagnosed ten months ago. At the end he was in a coma in the hospital for the last couple of weeks. Although a painful process that one would never want to wish on anyone, I was reminded of the pregnancy process. When a woman becomes pregnant, there are nine months of preparing for the birth of a baby. During that time, not only does the woman's body change, but so does her attitude and her readiness to actually have a baby join her life. A death process allows the family time to grieve; to say good-bye; and then to let go when necessary. After a few weeks the family is (usually) ready to allow their loved one's suffering to end. The family members are able to whisper into the ear of their dying one "it's okay to go now, let go".

My cousin told his partner that he didn't want a funeral. This decision is confusing to me. A funeral is not for the person who has died; a funeral is for the family and friends that are left behind. The funeral brings people together for a last celebration of the deceased. It makes room to publicly grieve and celebrate at the same time. A funeral adds closure to an already very difficult process. It announces the moment when the death process ends and the next stage of grieving can now commence. Without some ritual around death, people can be left in the liminal stage of the death process; they might find it difficult to actually move on.

Tomorrow we're having a non-funeral funeral. We will gather at the funeral home - close friends and family - for a "viewing". Some people will say some words. And then we'll meet to share food. The ham that wasn't cooked at Easter because cancer had taken control of the house. I'm grateful for my cousin's partner's good common sense and compassion.